My life has not been all that amusing or exciting is what I would like to say sometimes. Compared to others who have these high expectations of how fascinating New York is or supposed to be, is just a myth in my books. My life here has always been as hectic as I could remember it to be. I feel like I have already encountered an endless amount of friendships and pointless relationships, where I always thought it would last but it never did. I may be that person who cries over everything, but I am always smiling. I am a strong woman for being able to carry my self through all that trauma and heartbreaks I went through.

Back when I was in 4^th grade, I was a quiet, innocent, fragile little girl. Yet I always ended up being part of that popular crowd. In fact, you know how there is always that one main girl in the popular crowd? Well in my elementary school, that girls name was Jasmine, and she was my best friend or so I thought. Just like every other day, when we entered the classroom, we all sat down on our spot on the alphabet carpet. I sat on letter S and she sat on the letter D. Without me realizing at first, she starts distancing herself from me and eventually she just stopped talking to me. I was young so I did not think too much into it even though I cannot deny that I was sad.

A couple weeks went by and suddenly, I was called down to the guidance office. Students rarely got called to guidance unless you did something wrong. With that thought in my head, I slowly started to walk down the stairs. With the few minutes I had until I reached the office, my anxiety kicked in and I started to rethink everything. I had no idea what I did wrong. As I walked into the office, I was immediately told to take a seat. Not too long later, a Hispanic woman approached me and that would be the guidance counselor. She sat me down and started questioning me about an event that I have no idea that occurred. There I was, wondering when I have ever vandalized school property. I am just sitting there with shock and fear because nothing I said was getting through to the guidance counselor. In fact, at that point, I was not even being questioned, I was just getting pressed. I later figured out that it was my “best friend” Jasmine who framed me just to get back at me for rolling my eyes at her. It is so unbelievable how petty and immature people can be. But then again, we were just kids. Yet, I went through so much because of that situation. I almost got expelled for goodness sake. Even my parents knew about this because the principal called them in for a meeting. My parents did not know what to believe when they heard about this. But they did not like the fact that I was getting myself in trouble. Imagine trying so hard to convince someone that you are innocent but no matter what they just do not care of what you have to say. That is exactly how I felt. Fourth grade is where I became the most sensitive. Every day from that incident forward, I talked to no one, I had no more friends, and I cried every single day, at school and at I home.

From that point on, trusting people was difficult for me. When middle school came by my parents were not home as much. I would my mother in the mornings when she would walk my sister and I to school but by the time I got home which would be 2:30, they would not be there. My dad already was an engineer, but he also decided to follow his dream which was opening a restaurant, so I saw him even less than I got to see my mother. My mother took care of the restaurant while my father was working at his other job. I guess that gave my sister and I more freedom. That was the plus side of it but middle school itself was not the best. Most of the kids who were in my elementary went to my middle school along with my ex best friend. When sixth grade came along, I was in a specialized class which was for students with higher marks in school. My class was just Asian students. I thought the kids here were supposed to be smart and kind etc. They were smart indeed, but they all were arrogant and just a bunch of bullies. Of course, when I would inform my parents about how my classmates were like, they would never believe me. They are stuck with that mindset that smart people are the type of people who I should spend my time with. Throughout middle school, I continued to associate with the wrong crowd outside of school, along with some of my classmates in the specialized class back in sixth grade. We would all gather in our local park which we call 214 and the people I associated with would do stupid and outrageous things such as light random things on fire, spin the knife at the 10pm, and even ding dong ditch. “You see I was in a curious position in New York” (230) said Didion in Goodbye to All That. Even though I was born here, I was always tied down with a leash because I had to be home straight after school and I could not spend any time with boys whatsoever. With my parents at work, I had to ability to do what I wanted and hang out with who I wanted to hang out with. Just like Didion, I did not know much about how New York was like, let alone the type of people. During the summer after I graduated from eighth grade, there was this Chinese guy who moved into the area. He was one of the first people I put my trust in after my fourth grade. Him and I became great friends and eventually I even ended up dating him. Little did I know that it brought me even more situations I did not even want to be in. This one afternoon, my boyfriend and I were just playing basketball with each other and he suddenly stopped, and he told me to not do anything at all no matter what. I was so confused because then he pushed me aside and then I see two guys in masks running towards him and start hitting him. Then four more guys came running towards him and beating him up. Every single time I looked; the numbers kept doubling until there were about twenty-five guys. I felt as if I was paralyzed. I just could not move. I do not know if it was because of fear or it was just because I was shocked. Tears swell up immediately in my eyes and rolled down my face. He told me not to do anything, so I did not. I know I should not have listened to him and I should have called the cops, but I just could not bring myself to do so. This random lady nearby saw what was going on and called the cops immediately so all the guys who jumped my boyfriend ran away. About six out of the twenty-five guys who were caught and arrested, and my boyfriend ended up in the hospital.  

Not even a month later, I had people attempting to jump me all the time because they thought of me as a gold digger because my boyfriend was that rich guy on the block. In fact, there were several guys who even tried to swing at me, not just because I was dating a rich guy, also because I defended myself when they would try to bully me. But that is the only reason why I do not regret hanging out with the wrong crowd or whatnot because I was able to learn how to speak up and defend myself. Not only myself but also my sister. My sister is only two minutes younger than me, but she was also softer than me because she did not have to go through all the things I had to go through.

I went karaoke place called DIY Karaoke at Flushing, Main Street with my sister, a couple of friends and my boyfriend. When we entered the booth, I just stood there at awe because the room was huge and dark and these cool disco lights. I spent my entire time standing by the standup microphone singing to the top of my lungs. I had an amazing time. When our karaoke time was up, everyone left the room to pay which just left my boyfriend at me. It was romantic being alone in a dark room with him. I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks even though it did not really show. He placed his hands on my hands and then casually place both his hands on my shoulders. I did not really mind until he pushed me down onto the leather seating and tried to feel me up. I tried to push him off, but my legs were trapped between his legs. So, then my knee automatically just rose and well he felt the pain and loosened his grip. I picked up my things and left. He tried to then apologize by buying me food. I know most females would have happily accepted the food and take that as an apology. But I felt as if he was trying to buy his way out of it just because he had the money to do so and I found that disgusting, so I just broke up with him.

My experiences with the people I have met so far did not end up well. High school was a new start for me because only one or two kids from my middle school attended here with me. It’s funny because my parents wanted me to go to Bronx Science or to Stuyvesant, but little did they know, that in the specialized high schools, most of the students are just a bunch arrogant crackheads. Anyways, I went to Aviation high school which was full of Desi people, Hispanics, and a few Asians. On the first day of school, in my Aviation maintenance class, there I saw these two cute guys. One of them sat in the same table as me and he was Bengali, and the other guy sat behind me and he was Columbian. I honestly was never into brown guys before I attended Aviation high school. I guess I just became accustomed to it since there were a lot of Bengali guys, so I ended up finding them attractive.

I ended up conversating with the Bengali kid in my table since he was more accessible during class. I can remember our first conversation as if it were yesterday. Even though it was just an argument, I have been so used to surrounding my self with males and holding up this tough front away from everyone in order to protect myself. It was like I did not know how to make any friends or even have a normal conversation with another human being. Lucky for me, arguing with the dude just made him engage in a conversation with me even more. Even though all we did was argue, I felt as if I made a friend, a cute friend.

A week or so later, we would continue to bicker and argue during class and our teacher once had to stop the lesson to say, “Stop talking you lovebirds”. On god, I was squealing in the inside. But then the cute guy said “Mr., I got a girlfriend”. Obviously, I played it cool, but my heart just dropped. Not too long later, I decided to text him about his girlfriend. I was curious in who he was dating. Apparently, she also attended Aviation high school and they have been together since middle school. I was so eager to meet her because I was trying to meet my bestie’s girlfriend. I eventually realized she did not like me because she was jealous of the friendship I shared with her boyfriend. As months go by, the friendship I had with him grew stronger and stronger. I finally found someone I can trust with my entire life. But his relationship with his significant other kept becoming worse all because of me. There was a point where I sacrificed my friendship with him just so his girl can be happy without me driving a wedge between them. But I was miserable and so was he. I was at the point where I tried to commit suicide because I could not live my life without him. In fact, he even tried to do the same thing because he did not want to lose me. My Shop teacher came up to me a couple days later and told me that whatever happens between his girlfriend and him should not be any of my concern and that I did not have to give up my friendship with him. Taking the advice of my teacher, our friendship was once again restored. A couple months later towards the end of the school, year she broke up with him. He was devastated but of course I was there for him and once again my feelings for him were there too.

I was in love with him. I thought that the feelings were mutual because he even kissed me. But I should have known that he was just using me for sex. Did I care? Kind of. Did I continue to let him use me to get over his ex-girlfriend? Sadly, yes.  Eventually, he did realize he was in love with me and we did end up together.

 He would come to my house often and we would do the things any guy would want to do; we would have sex. Now, there was this one time where him and I were lying down in bed together, cuddling and whatnot. But that day, I was not in the mood to do what he wanted to do. There he goes, pinning me down in my own bed. He put all his body weight was on me and I was to weak to push him off. My legs were trapped but I was unable to take advantage of that to get him off me. I tried pushing him off with my legs. I cried, I screamed, but it was like he was possessed because I was not getting through to him. When he was done, I did not move. I just laid in bed crying. He was confused on why I was crying and tried to comfort me but I at that point I was scared even by his touch. He apologized over and over for scaring me. I loved him so much, so I forgave him. But I could not keep this to myself, so I told one of my closest guy friends what I went through.

A couple more months went by and my boyfriend and his family moved to Jamaica. I decided to go check out his new home with a that close friend of mine. So I hopped on the Q44 bus and then the Q17. Overall, it was about an hour commute. As we stepped off the bus, there it was, his home. When I say it was huge, it looked like a castle to me. As we entered his home, he showed us around and then decided to relax and I was watching the two of them play 2K on his Ps4. An hour or so later, they took a break from playing games and my friend was just on his phone scrolling through Instagram and my boyfriend and I were just laying down next to each other on this mattress he had in his living room. That is when he placed his hands on me, but I did not think much about it at first. I told him I did not want to do anything, and I just wanted to relax but he was persistent and continued to pursue me. I was feeling anxious and nervous again. I did not want to end up in that same situation as last time even though I was already kind of in the same situation. Out of nowhere, I blurted out that I told my friend about how he raped me. When I say he froze, he froze. I am assuming that he did not like hearing the word “rape” come out of my mouth. But this whole time I was fighting back my tears. The next minute, his older sister came home, and I just ran out the door and went home because I could not stand holding back my tears.

The next day was a school day. I took the Q20 bus all the way to Flushing and was waiting for the 7 train. I got off the train at 74^th street & Broadway just like every other day to meet up with my boyfriend so that we could go to school together. “I was walking down…and remembered, with a sadness that nearly knocked me off my feet” said Meghan Daum in My Misspent Youth. I did not even remember that I was upset with him until I saw his face and all the memories of yesterday started rushing back into my head. I felt like I was going to cry right there and then. As he was slowing walking towards me, I noticed that he had a guilty expression on his face which melted my heart. He said hello in the gentlest voice and handed me a note. There it said “I am sorry about Saturday. Forgive me. Love you”. You see, I fall hard for cute little notes and all this cheesy moments and whatnot and of course I forgave him again.

By the end of my sophomore year, I ended up breaking with him. Despite all my previous experiences with other people who was once in my life, this is experience is what hurt the most. I devoted my soul, my body, my everything to someone I was in love with. Just to end up being treated as something of not much value. My entire friendship and relationship with him were just toxic and I know that now. Leaving him was one of the best decisions I have made in my life so far. I was able to realize that I should not keep on making excuses for someone who says he loves me but does not treat me like he does. I gained self-respect.

During the month of August, many females in New York has come out on Instagram and shared their story on how they were assaulted or raped including myself. There are so many people out there going through the same thing as some of us are; maybe even worse and we just want to let them know that they are not alone. Having high hopes is not always a good thing. My parent’s expectations of New York and how the school education and environment was totally the opposite of how they thought it would be. As someone born in New York, at first I thought that New York is going to be such an amazing place and I am going to see such beautiful places and meet some cool people. Yes, New York is beautiful, from the homes I have seen to all the places I got to explore with my friends as well. People on the other hand, not everyone is going to be like your family back home. Betrayal and heartbreaks are also apart of life no matter where you live at, whether its New York or back in your motherland.